Tuesday, October 27, 2015

I Love mom



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This is the white board in our dining room, and I'm finding myself hard pressed to adequately express what happened in my heart when I saw the words written on it. I had been gone for three days to a true retreat where I was reintroduced to my Savior. Yes, I knew Him before, but now? Now, I know Him in a completely renewed, fresh way!

So why did these words touch my heart so deeply? I mean, my kids tell me they love me all the time. And I know they mean it. But let me back up and invite you to see these words as I now see them.

I showed up for the weekend retreat a little bit broken, insecure, and unsure of my WHY, of my WORTH. But I let my guard down little by little and allowed our Father to rewrite my story and insert His footnotes throughout:

Oh, Cara--yes, I made her fearfully and wonderfully! She doesn't believe it yet, but she will soon. She'll believe soon that her birth WASN'T an accident after all--I meant for her to be here all along!

Ah, that one? Yes, she has purpose! She wasn't ready to hear it all at once, so I'm depositing love notes one by one into her soul as she'll receive them. Wait for it, she'll sing one day.


Mostly unbeknownst to me, I had been walking around believing a razor sharp lie from my enemy:

You are not a good mom. You are not doing enough. You are not qualified to shepherd their hearts. Who are you to think you can teach them? You're a fraud.


Of course my God knew these haunting voices as I timidly walked into this weekend, and I can imagine Him jumping up and down because He knew what He was about to show me, the truth that He was about to unveil my eyes to see!

I slowly began opening up to the women who surrounded me, all of us carrying our own burdens, yet desperate inside for the permission to lay them down. We spent time listening and observing one another, and then we were asked to speak the strengths we saw in one another. I could see so much strength and wisdom in the other women, but I feared that no one would see anything in me. I feared they would be scrambling to make something up, something that would sound like they had given it a lot of thought: Here's a little something to make you feel better, an ice cream cone.

But God had another idea. The first thing these women spoke into my heart was, have you guessed it?

"I can just tell what an incredible mom you are."

Me? Really?

And in that moment, a tiny crack quietly ran through the dam that held my heart hostage and began to split the heavy burden I had stuffed so deep inside. I listened as these women spoke blessing over me, revealing that the way in which I described and spoke about my children immediately shouted to them that I adore my children.

And that was healing in itself, but Jesus knew there was a deeper wound He needed access to.

"And I can tell that they adore you!" they went on.

They adore you, Cara. Did you hear that? It's true.

And so when I came home after my heavenly daddy filled my cup up and then kept pouring more in even though I assured Him that I had plenty to drink, I walked into the kitchen to see this on the board.

WHOOSH.

And that was the last crack the dam holding my heart in bondage needed. The wall came down and I saw it. I saw the truth in its beauty. And the truth had been there all along! I just couldn't see it!

See, this note was written by my daughter who is dyslexic and has an incredibly hard time spelling and keeping her letters straight.

EVERY LETTER IS PERFECT. PERFECT!

If you can understand how rare that is, then you will surely see the beautiful miracle in this moment! It is not an accident that she just happened to perfectly write this message to me. Of course, I would have loved it all the same had her m's been backwards as usual, but they were perfect!!

Oh, the way our daddy loves us is immense, y'all. He knows every crack, every imperfection in our hearts, and He reaches in and restores those areas in ways only He can do. He can find those secret broken places that no one else even knows exist. He erases the lies Satan so desperately wants us to believe.

You are a good mom. Look at your daughter's heart spilled out for you! 

And I love you even more than this. Rest in that today.



Peace of Christ to you,

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