Monday, August 19, 2013

The What Ifs

I can't sleep. I keep thinking about the conversation I had with God tonight as I painted the walls of our new house. The paint (because I know you're dying to know!) is a rich buttery yellow that I seriously might just love.

And the thought struck me: do I love it a little too much? My brush washed the white walls with the fresh, golden color and as I climbed higher and higher on the ladder, I began to wonder things.

What if something happens to this house?

What if the Lord takes this one away?

What if I am pouring myself into this house only to have myself ripped out of it just as quickly?

I paused and waited for the Holy Spirit to give me leading on this conversation, for God to say, "Oh no, I would never let that happen to you; don't worry."

But He never did.

I don't know if I was stunned that I never felt a release there or what, but it gnawed at me from the inside. I am not in control of what I pretend I am in control of. I cannot hold things together, I cannot prevent tragedies from happening. I wish I could, but I can't. We can't. But God sees what's in tomorrow, what's around the corner from next week, next month, next year.

He knows the days we will have in this new home--just like He knew the days we would have in our previous home. And I am making a conscious effort to lay it down before Him and ask His Will and His blessings on the days we have been granted. If God asks us to give the house back one day and move across an ocean, I pray that we will be courageous enough to do that. If He takes it another way, I pray that I will continue to praise Him anyway. If He allows us many years together in it, I pray that then, too, we will praise Him every moment, every day. Sometimes it's actually harder to praise Him when things are going great. Kind of weird, huh? But the moment things crumble, the first thing I do is cry out to Him, asking Him where He is so I can run there for safety. It's like being in the dark; the first thing and the most important thing is to find the light. He has my attention. But when we have more than we need, I tend to forget Him. I don't need to know where He is because I don't need anything from Him, and I am saddened by my fickle heart.

I held the paint brush in my hand and stared into the yellow wall. "Lord, if we were to lose this house, too, help me to praise you no matter what."

I pray that you are finding what it means to trust Him with your circumstance, too. It's not easy, is it? I get it. I truly get it. But we're not alone, and that's good news. Most of the giants of the bible had this same problem: TRUSTING God. Moses didn't trust God that he was the best choice in leading. Peter didn't trust Jesus to not let him sink. Thomas didn't trust that it was truly Jesus raised from the dead before his eyes. So at least I'm in good company, right? And it also shows me that God won't discard me just because I may have a moment where I doubt, where I need to walk through His promises again and be sure He still loves me and is working things together for my good.

So I'm making a point to focus on Him and His steadfast character when the What Ifs seep into my heart. He is in control and He has numbered my days. I can't add to them, and there's no point in trying to avert tragedies that I don't see coming. So I want to enjoy the blessing He has given us, but not to set it in the place inside my heart where only Jesus belongs.
Peace of Christ to you,

1 comment:

  1. I SO needed this today! I have had those same exact thoughts. All of them! And I've not told anyone because they sounded so crazy to me that it made me afraid to speak it out loud. I am working through that. To be real before everyone without worrying about what their judgments or thoughts may be. Not there yet, but am so much closer as I learn to hang onto God's words and let go of human words, the discouraging ones anyway! ;)