Monday, August 13, 2012

The Desperation of Need

Today has been one of those days. And it's not even 3:00.

So many things are whirling around me, so many deadlines, due dates, obligations, meetings, payments. "Hurry up and do this so you can sit and wait" pretty well sums our life up right now! We have found a house to call our own for as long as God allows, and it is about 30 minutes away from where we currently are. So, quick trips down to the new-to-us house are not quite so "quick." I can count three days this week that I will make the drive with my three kids!

This morning I knew we had to go in order to get the kids pre-enrolled in the elementary school so that after we close on the house, they'll be ready to start there. I rounded up the kids, remembered my phone, my keys, the contract on our house, their files with birth certificates and shot records, and of miraculously all three kids! The drive takes me about 40 minutes because I have what you may affectionately call a little case of "road fear." Traffic makes me sweat. My heart pounds. My breathing sky-rockets. My sweet mommy voice evaporates into that snappy, quick-tongued mother. You know the one? Anyway, we pulled into the school parking lot (after a 40 minute drive, remember) and I looked down between the seats to grab my purse.

Wait a minute. Where's my purse?!! 

No amount of "just take a deep breath" was going to fix this one. I had driven the entire way with no driver's license, and--in my opinion what was WORSE--was that the school required my DL to enroll the kids. The final drawing for Pre-K is tomorrow, and the last day to get a name in that drawing was today. 9-11 and 1-3. It was 10:40. I ushered the kids inside and filled out all the incredibly redundant paper work. They made copies of everything and said I had to bring the DL back before she could be placed in the drawing. Perfect.

When I got back in the van, I realized I was low on gas. No, I mean really low. As in the gas light was ON. I drove on, "what if"ing us closer and closer toward our destination. I was angry. At myself mostly. But I have to admit, I was also a little frustrated at the Lord. I know it was not at all His fault; after all, I'm the idiot who couldn't get my act together. I felt like a 14 year old who needed a permission slip to go to the mall. I imagined us on the side of the road, out of gas. No money. Husband at work. Hot August day. Perfect.

Every mile, I breathed out a plea that He would somehow make the van perform a miracle and just make it. But with every stop sign, around every turn--I disbelieved Him. I didn't think He would really do it. The tears fell down my cheeks as I waited for the moment when all hope would flee.
I found myself truly surprised when we rolled up along the curb in front of our house. And even so, I got out of the van, and as I ran inside to retrieve my purse, my steps said, "Oh, you made it to the house, but you won't make it to a gas station now."

You won't make it.
He doesn't care.
He won't pull you out of this one.

 When my tires reached the pavement of the closest station, my heart leaped. But then it just as quickly fell again as I saw the sign on the pump: "Cash Only." Are you kidding me? My "Thank you, Jesus" praises only five seconds ago had already turned into, "Oh, I should've known." It does turn out that they took my debit card, with a 90 cent fee, of course. But I was too desperate to think about how odd that was.

I needed gas.

Now that it's later in the day, and I'm safely at home with my toddler snoozing away in his crib and my older two catching up on some seriously needed movie time (for me anyway!), I can see how desperate I was. I had one thing to hold onto, and that's it. There would be no other savior. There would be no other way for us to get home. I had nothing to offer anyone.

What a vulnerable place. All I could do was constantly and without ceasing shout out my plea to God. He HAD to hear me and He HAD to come through, or I knew we'd be in so much trouble.

And He did. I wish I had trusted Him more. But I didn't. I doubted Him every single turn of the wheel. I asked Him if He loved us; I asked if He cared. I'm so thankful for His patience with me.

Because this trip isn't just what happened to us today.

It's unfortunately how I live my life. 

Doubt. 
Fear.
Disbelief.
Waiting for the next bad thing.

I know that even if we had run out of gas, He would still have been good. I probably would not have told Him so in the moment! But still, He would have been good. And He would have sent someone to help us. Because He does love us. He loves you. He is in all the moments.

Two days ago, my hands raised to praise Him, and He was there. And today when my hands raised to question Him, He was there.

I'm so glad.
Peace of Christ to you,

1 comment:

  1. I'm glad you can look at a crazy day and find the good in it. Here's hoping the rest of your week will be calmer.

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