Sunday, August 8, 2010

Caleb's Birth Story Part IV

That first night was tough since I couldn't see Caleb at all, but God provided something quite special to ease my sadness: the nurses in the NICU pointed a camera at Caleb all night long, and it played on my T.V. screen at the foot of my bed. I stared at it all those hours of the night, wondering what he smelled like, watching his back and sides expand with his breathing. His breaths were sporadic, fast, and choppy; I couldn't tear my eyes away from the screen for more than a few seconds, fearful that he wouldn't be breathing right when I next looked.

I dozed that night for about fifteen or twenty minutes, but the rest of the time I stared at the screen that held my baby...because I could not.

Matt slept in the room with Caleb that night, and every once in a while, I'd see his hand come into view, gently patting Caleb on the back or bottom for comfort. (Have I mentioned what an incredible dad he is? Well, now I have.) I knew at one point by the way his hand was just resting motionless on Caleb's back that he was praying over him. And nothing made me feel safer in those moments.

I continued to pray for Caleb's health and safety all night, but I also thanked God for what he was doing so far. I knew He was in control; I could feel it, although I was still significantly terrified. There's a delicate balance of knowing He is good and He does good...and fearing that He for some reason won't do good this time. I was right in the middle all night.

The next morning the nurses told me to make my first visit a short one since it'd probably be an emotional one. They were right, but I stayed as long as I could anyway. And it was a lot more joyful than I'd imagined, too, because I was just so relieved to finally be with him in the same room.

I breathed him in and kissed him; and I realized how silly I had been during the pregnancy for fearing that I wouldn't bond with him once he arrived.

He was mine. And I was completely captivated by him.

Peace of Christ to you,


  1. I'm so glad you feel at ease with your little baby. It is so scary to know before they arrive how you will feel and no amount of other people telling you it will be fine helps. You just need to see it for yourself.