Friday, August 6, 2010

Caleb's Birth Story Part III

The doctor and his team were jokingly discussing going to Bermuda, I remember, and asked if I wanted to go. They were light-hearted, again trying to relieve the tension they knew I was feeling. I appreciated it, but nothing seemed as important as knowing if my baby would be okay or not.

As they were putting me back together, I started feeling even more out of control with my breathing--which became panting. The anesthesiologist asked repeatedly if he could give me something to calm me down. I said I was just scared. He said that was completely normal and that I did wonderfully, and everything would be just fine.

Coming off that anesthesia was one of the worst feelings I've felt, physically. I remember thinking it'd be better just to cut my arms off rather than feel the sensations that were coursing through them at that point! The strangeness of knowing I was moving the top part of my chest but not feeling anything was so odd. They had warned me that it may feel like I couldn't breathe, even though I would be inhaling and exhaling as normal. They were right--it was so strange.

I was wheeled back into the room we'd just left only minutes before, where I'd been all day with a baby in my womb. And now, I'd come back with no baby--just me. I felt miserably alone and couldn't stop sobbing. All the nurses were wonderful and checked on me every 15 minutes.

I must have said the exact same prayer one million times while lying in that room alone for the next nearly 2 hours: "Please, Lord, keep Caleb safe." I knew Matt didn't mean to leave me alone so long without knowing, and I wanted him to be there with Caleb, but those minutes alone were haunting. Every possible disaster came to my mind. I threw up and I sobbed. I wondered, If I'm a Christian, why do I feel so terrified and unable to trust right now? I knew God was in control, and I kept asking Him to continue to be (although I know that sounds so silly).

Finally, the curtain of the room opened and Matt stepped past it, smiling with a worn out smile. "How is he?" I immediately asked. "He's gonna be just fine," he assured me. He told me about the tests they were doing, the oxygen he was already on, and the IV they had started, but all the while assured me that God was definitely taking care of him. I knew He would; I just needed to hear it.

Peace of Christ to you,


  1. Wow!!! Congratulations! I have just read all three parts of Calebs birth story and you really sound like you had a scary time. I hope all is well now and I look forward to seeing photos in the future. Take it easy and dont stress about things.
    Thinking if you.

  2. WoW! That was intense! I praise God with you that everyone is doing wonderful. I am so sorry it was not the birth story that you were probably hoping for but who cares when you have a sweet healthy baby at the end. I love you Cara and am so happy for you and your family!

  3. Wow! I am so glad everyone is doing so well! I also have to say I felt the same way for both my c-sections but have never been able to put them into words like that! Keep us posted on his progress and congratulations!!