Friday, August 6, 2010

Caleb's Birth Story Part II

I never left open the option of having a C-Section, so naturally I was rudely misinformed on the whole bit. I had no idea what was about to happen to me! The doctor was so nice and gave me the fastest run-down he could before starting. It felt chaotic--being told they would be cutting me open and that within 15 minutes, I'd see my baby! Matt was trying to inform family members and get into the sterile white jump suit at the same time. And I was just scared.

I'm not sure how to describe that fear. It was fear of not really understanding what was about to happen, fear of not knowing if the baby would be okay, and fear of not being able to be with my baby immediately. The way they shuffled me around in the operating room, I was afraid at one point that they would drop me on the floor!

In the middle of it, I realized just how comfortable being in control makes me. Because I've never felt that out of control before. There was absolutely nothing I could do but stare into the faces of the people above and around me. It felt like a production of some sort, with around a dozen people zipping around the room, prepping this and prepping that. I remember thinking: All these people are doing this for me and my baby. Wow.

There was a cluster of people I heard being referred to as the "Respiratory Team"--just waiting for Caleb to arrive. They asked me questions about him from across the room. They were probably trying to be nice and help me relax. I know the terror I felt was tangible; my anesthesiologist stood directly over me, checking on my emotional/mental state every few seconds. He was really kind and helped me feel more calm about everything. His eyes were blue crystals that told me he was smiling at me, even though his mouth was hidden.

Matt not being able to stay with me through the spinal tap was one of the worst parts. I couldn't ask him to hold my hand and reassure me that it'd be okay. But it was incredibly fast, and he was right by my side in no time. And I was wrenching his hand off, asking with my eyes if he thought everything would work out like we planned.

I didn't know that babies who are born by C-Section don't automatically cry on their own. Now I do. I think that was the point where fear seized me the most--when I knew Caleb was out, but he was making no noise at all. Matt could see him and kept patting my hand, telling me he looked like he was going to be fine. He was purple like the others had been, and in a few seconds, I heard the tiniest, highest pitched whimpers I remember ever hearing!

He was out, and he was crying! I immediately thanked God and just as immediately began praying that He'd keep Caleb safe and healthy. Caleb's pediatrician (I didn't know they waited for babies right there in the room) brought him over to me for an all too quick kiss on the cheek, and then he was gone. I knew they would take good care of him, but I couldn't be there, and I knew the next hour would be torture. Matt followed and there I was again...alone, but not alone.
Peace of Christ to you,

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