Friday, July 2, 2010

Yes, Lord, I Believe...so why do I feel this way?

I will try to not use this as a whine or dump session; I just wanted to update on how things have been with the pregnancy.

For a while I've been struggling with foreign emotions, some that I haven't wanted to admit and haven't known how to deal with. I thought they'd just go away soon and all would be great! But they seemed to be worsening, and I definitely hit a wall with them over the past week. Feelings of unexplained depression and anxiety were making me feel suffocated, really. I love my kids, I do enjoy my work, I like to be around people...but I was tending to gravitate toward being anti-social, inactive, and crying uncontrollably much of the time. (Poor Matt.)

I've realized that I have been missing a connection with this baby that I had with Keagan and Kate. I can barely explain it; it's just that I feel like I don't know him, I don't feel very excited for his arrival (as awful as that sounds), and I know some of the thoughts--fleeting though they are--that I've had can't be normal. At least, I never felt them before.

My final straw was when my glucose test came back too high. It didn't help that I was not counseled on it, was not told what to eat, what not to eat, what will happen next, whether it's a big deal or not, etc. I was just told that I probably have gestational diabetes and I better watch what I eat. I had been watching calories recently, and I have not been even close to reaching my recommended caloric intake. So, how could this happen? I have no idea. I'm not gaining too much weight, I'm not huge. I just felt like it was all my fault, like I've done something terrible.

And that, like I said, was my last straw.

Not to mention, the place I get the test done doesn't even open until 1:oo, and they wanted me to come do a 3 hour test at that time after not being able to eat past midnight. So I'd not be able to eat until roughly 4 pm. (My heart rate soars when I haven't eaten, which adds so much more stress on me.) I was told that I couldn't do the test anywhere else, which I just didn't believe. Turns out I was right, thank goodness. My specialist's nurse said I am NOT to do the test that way because of my heart complication, and she took time to explain it to me--that my score of 155 really wasn't that bad, it doesn't mean I do have diabetes, and what I can eat/what I should lay off for a while. I guess she knew what I would default to, not eating at all, and she was right. So she said my Dr. doesn't want me to reduce any caloric intake at all. I was just so worried, that I felt like I couldn't eat anything. (I know this is not half as dramatic as it seemed to me, but I've never dealt with this at all.)

Anyway, I still have some questions about my emotional state, but I do feel God's comfort. And I truly could "feel" that others were praying for me. Sure enough, they were. :) I forget sometimes how important praying for each other is, and how it affects that person. It's so true; prayer works. I hit a point where I could function much better yesterday evening. I think getting some straight answers contributed a lot to that. I don't want to be such a basketcase, you know? I hate being dramatic, and I don't want to be "that" person who's no fun to be around! I really do love my life; I love my kids so much. It is really difficult to explain the overwhelming sensations I was facing. It's not completely gone, but it certainly is better. I think it's just the support of being lifted up in prayer.

Sorry that was a little heavy, but I get "how is the pregnancy going?" questions a lot, and I want to be honest. Besides, I need all the prayer I can get! So, thank you if you've been or will pray for me through the remainder of my pregnancy. I've got around 6 1/2 or 7 weeks. (That's usually when I deliver with my specialist.) I do know that God is so good and He is in control. I believe it.

"Yes, Lord; I believe that you are the Christ, the Son of God, who is coming into the world" (John 11:27 ESV).
Peace of Christ to you,

3 comments:

  1. Sorry to hear things are hard for you right now Cara. I think that on my third pregnancy I was so busy looking after my two little girls I sometimes found it hard to be able to enjoy being pregnant or find time to look forward to the babys arrival. Hopefully when the baby arrives things will fall into place. In the short term I'm thinking of you...

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  2. oh Cara! I love, love, love your honesty. I felt the same way. I didn't connect with Zeke like I did with the other two while I was pregnant(all I could think about is how I culdn't wait to have my bosy back!). I remember lying in bed while I was pregnant with Luke and Ava waiting for them to make their move, Rod would feel and we would stay up late to watch and we would laugh and be amazed. But with Zeke, I was lucky if I stayed awake for 5 min once my head hit the pillow and Rod might feel one little kick every other week. My world was not revolving around the sweet baby growing inside, he had to share my attention with others and a long to-do list. The day Zeke arrived was wonderful, he was beautiful and the joy was overwhelming like the others.....but a couple days after we arrived home I started feeling depressed. The adjustment was hard, not in an exhausting way in fact the transition from 2 to 3 was quite easy but the my role changed. I was caring for Zeke while Rod was doing all of my duties as mom with Luke and Ava. I missed taking them to bed, giving them their bath, cleaning the house, etc. I am so appreciative for Rod and his help but I really craved my normal life back. It took about 2-3 weeks and things started feeling a little better and by 1 month I couldn't remember life without Zeke. I am so completely in love with him and life seems normal again. It was a hard and depressing adjustment, but it was only for a season and now the blessings from that "hardship" are amazing. I think it is pretty normal to have the feelings you do. Hang in there.....those gray skys will turn a brillant bright blue in no time.

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