Friday, October 2, 2009

Thump, Thump

Late last night when I laid my head on my pillow, I heard something. My ears were ringing--like they do when silence is too loud for them. I waited, breathing lightly. And then I realized what I was hearing:

my heartbeat.

That was the first time I'd literally heard my heart beating out loud in quite a while, for many reasons. First, I haven't become quiet enough lately to hear it. Second, I haven't become still enough to hear it. Third, I had learned to ignore its existence entirely, yet subconsciously expect its results.

Before I lose you, let me say it a different way:

Life has not gone according to plan lately, and I've developed a hard shell over my heart at times--to ensure that I won't get hurt, of course. I realized that I am angry most of the time. There are moments of contentment and calm, but one little thing could cross me, and I'm angry...again.

Even tiny things. Unbelievably tiny things.

It's a little disheartening when you realize that your children have become grouchy most of the time and argue with each other because they are imitating you.

It's amazing that when your heart changes, your outward actions will usually tell on you. Lately, my heart's been showing. And not the one I'd like to have. Not the one that could likely pique someone's interest in this Jesus guy who is God.

After praying with Matt and cleaning out some junk, I'm thankful to hear my heartbeat again. It reminds me that I'm alive, and not just existing. It reminds me that God Himself put it there and gives it life.

And most of all, right now, it reminds me to shut up and listen.

"...for wisdom will come into your heart, and knowledge will be pleasant to your soul; discretion will watch over you, and understanding will guard you, delivering you from the way of evil..." (Prov. 2:10-12a ESV)

Yes, I want that. But not so fast. This proverb is an "if, then" statement. You have to back up to verses 1 and 2: "My son, if you receive my words and treasure up my commandments with you, making your ear attentive to wisdom and inclining your heart to understanding,..." (Prov. 2:1-2) THEN, wisdom will come into your heart. THEN, you will have discretion.

I've gotten mad because God has not answered my prayer, asking begging God to get us out of what we got ourselves into. I'd think ridiculous thoughts like, "I'm done praying then. If God's not going to answer me, then I'm done."

Great job, faithful servant.

Hardly.

It's like my son asking me for a sippy cup of milk, waiting 2.4 seconds, then hurling himself on the floor, face down, wailing and thrashing his arms and legs.

I didn't even have time to say no. Or yes.

Okay, so I haven't been asking God for a sippy cup of milk, but you see my point? I haven't shut up long enough and waited and sat still and listened to even hear anything...like my heartbeat.

Like God telling us He's here and He has a purpose and He WILL take care of it.

If only I would just shut up and listen, I would hear that I still have a heartbeat and it's only because my God makes it go thump, thump in my chest.


Peace of Christ to you,


All scripture taken from:
English Standard Version (ESV) Copyright © 2001 by Crossway Bibles.

8 comments:

  1. It sounds like you are going through a rough patch right now Cara.

    It is hard to be happy and relaxed around our kids when we are caught up and worried inside. I find myself snappy with mine sometimes if I have had a bad day. I know it is wrong but i am only human.

    I hope whatever problems your family are going through will get sorted in time. Make sure to take some time out for yourself every now and again. Have a cup of tea. Borrow a book from the library or go have a nice bath after the kids are in bed. If you look after yourself it will have a positive domino effect on everyone around you. Thinking of you..,..

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  2. Ouch. I think you hit home too hard on this post. We went through a really rough patch three years ago. I was angry at God, grateful at God, miserable, terrified, and raging. He heard me. When I was "still" He spoke to me. He told me it would be okay. I couldn't see how. I wanted it now. Bit by bit, it became okay. Faith is an amazing concept when truly tested. Hang on for one more day or one more hour or 15 minutes and...
    Pray. He's there.

    And for the bad news which I am only sharing so you will learn and do better than I did.

    That first year I was so caught up in the situation that I was in survival mode. Honestly, looking back, I can't see how I could have been any different. I don't know how I would have been able to do more. Regardless, in the past 6 months my children have revealed to me their own trauma suffered that year.

    My then 6 year old son had an emotionally and, at times, a physically abusive teacher. With 6 months perspective, I believe she was a bad teacher but probably not as bad as he perceives. He was alone and his experiences was exacerbated by that fact.

    My nearly 9 year old daughter began her journey as a person suffering from an anxiety disorder. Again, in retrospect, I know it would have been set off eventually, but I feel terribly guilty about it. I have also been trying to over compensate by being hyper diligent about her OCD habits. Not helping.

    Yesterday my now 14 year old young woman talked to me about her struggles of being an adolescent, at age 11, alone and feeling completely unloved and ignored. I have no retrospect with this revelation because time hasn't passed. On the other hand, her retrospect is that she is glad she had the experience because she is so much stronger now.

    I told her I am still angry and I cried. I can't remember my baby being a toddler. I can't remember than sun shining. I missed so much and my kids did, too.

    I have guilt but I don't know that I could have done any better than I did. I hung on. I got up every morning. I prayed. I pleaded. I cried. I raged. He heard. He watched my children but there are still consequences.

    Wow. This is a long comment from a stranger.

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  3. Wow... I really needed to hear this. I don't have a family to be concerned about at this point in my life, but I have been overly anxious lately. It's like I keep desperately asking the lord to show me what he wants me to do, and getting upset that I still don't know, but I'm afraid to even stop and listen!

    Lovely blog!

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  4. This is me Life has not gone according to plan lately, and I've developed a hard shell over my heart at times--to ensure that I won't get hurt, of course. I realized that I am angry most of the time. There are moments of contentment and calm, but one little thing could cross me, and I'm angry...again.

    I could have written that on any given day

    I read a blog yesterday from someone that is deaf and she was wondering how she could 'hear' God with her disability...my reply God is BIGGER than deafness...he is bigger than what you have going on in your life ....Trust in him...this is something I have to remind myself of a lot...this post brought tears to my eyes

    sending (((HUGS))) your way

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  5. Thank you for sharing this....it took me traveling recently to three countries to hang out with NPH orphans to quieten my own heart and mind from all the noise that continues to be stirred up

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  6. This was lovely. Thank you for sharing!

    Elizabeth Esther

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  7. Oh how I can relate. I'm not going through what you're going through at this very moment, and I'm STILL quickly angered. And I forget over and over where to go to patiently wait for peace. Thank you for this honest post.

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  8. ok..with this post, you have to google laminin and watch the you tube about it!! SOO COOL

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